EXCLUSIVE! WOLF JACKAL INTERVIEWS PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE JOSEPH BIDEN!

This interview with correspondent Wolf Jackal was conducted today at an undisclosed location, due to the Corona virus or something...

30 APRIL 2020 (AP)

JACKAL: “Good afternoon, from all of us at Associated Press, we thank you very much for taking the time from your busy schedule to grant this interview, Mr. Biden.”

BIDEN: “My pleasure, Fox, good morning to you.”

JACKAL: “That’s Wolf, and it's 2:30 in the afternoon.”

BIDEN: “Oh yeah, Wolf, that’s right, morning, afternoon, whatever. You know, wolves are related to dogs – and foxes. They’re called canines – coyotes are too.”

JACKAL: “Yes, I know that sir, so are hyenas. Getting to the point, Mr Biden, what have you to say regarding the allegations against you regarding Tara Reade?”

BIDEN: “First and foreskin, I mean foremost, this uh, lying Tara woman is really out of line in left field when she said I tried to finger her. I always sniff them first, their hair that is, not their crotches – say do you remember the Avengers? They had a broad named Tara on that too, I think – or was it Dr. Who? Both were good shows you know – they came from Canada, right? How about that Benny Hill guy – he’s a riot!”

JACKAL: “Back to the subject of Tara Reade; she alleges that you forced yourself upon her and penetrated her digitally – ”

BIDEN: “Penetrated her digitally – with what – a flip phone?”

JACKAL: “No, your fingers; they are sometimes referred to as ‘digits’. That, sir, is considered sexual assault, last time I heard. How do you explain yourself to America, and to your supporters?”

BIDEN: (Looked at his hands in astonishment) “My fingers are considered sexual assault?”

JACKAL: “No, what you allegedly did to her with your fingers is; her candid revelations do not look good for your campaign.”

BIDEN: “You said candid? Candid Camera? That had Allen Funt in it, right? Fox – I mean Wolf, uh – do you remember Fox Mulder from the X-files? He had a sidekick named Scully… or was it Kolchak – nah – that was another show from the fifties, right?”

JACKAL: “Please stick to the subject, Mr. Biden.”

BIDEN: “I am sticking – truly I am – I’m like Teflon, nothing sticks to me, not even chewing gum! Now this Tara broad was probably hired by Reagan to make me look bad in the race to the Senate, and I assure all of my supporters that I only finger little girls, or is it boys? Nah, strike that, I don’t finger anybody anymore – or goddamnit – I never fingered anyone, except when I pick my nose!”

JACKAL: “Reade says differently, in nineteen nine...”

BIDEN: “Who cares what she says? There’s no proof that I fucked her or whatever, it was years ago in the eighties, I can’t keep track of whatever cheap floozy I was banging then, or if I even was! What we must do is put all of this behind us, and join forces to defeat our common enemy – George Bush! All of this malarkey about Tara, uh, Reade – hey – is she any relation to Harry Reid – he’s a friend of mine you know.”

JACKAL: “Much of what you just said is not germaine to our discussion.”

BIDEN: “What?" (Biden fingered his right ear, as if he was trying to clear it) "You’re telling me the Germans are involved in this dog-faced pony show too?” Biden then smiled, leaned to one side of his seat and farted loudly, adding, “Goddamn that stinks – that’s what I get for eating beans, cheese and sardines! You know, it’s a wonder I didn’t shit myself!”

JACKAL: “Jesus Christ!” (Frowned at the noxious odor, and lit up a cigarette)

BIDEN: “You know those things will kill you, right?”

JACKAL: “So will your toxic anal emissions; Mister Biden, are you drunk?”

BIDEN: “No sireee Bob, I’m as sober as a preacher sitting on a judge’s toilet, or is it bathroom – anyway, you know – the court thing. It’s like I’ve said to Hunter – deny everything until they have you cornered – then lie your way out of it! Silly laws are for other folks – they don’t apply to people like us, Fox.”

JACKAL: “That’s Wolf. I am an independent. You mean Democrats, correct?”

BIDEN: “Exactly. Just ask Nancy Schumer or that bulge-eyed guy Adam Schick from somewhere out west, he’s the president of Mexico, right? You see, laws only apply to my enemies – like Trump, or that fucking four-eyed bastard Barr! Did you know that Adam Schick invented the razor too – that’s why we don’t have beards anymore – he’s really smart!”

JACKAL: “No, I did not know that, sir. Thank you for a very revealing interview, Mr. Biden.”

BIDEN: “Don’t mention it Fox – vote Joe Biden ’88!”

Handlers arrived and removed a grinning Biden, who walked off, while picking his nose.