The Bridge: Suicide Isn't Painless

The theme song to the 1970 movie MASH is called "Suicide is Painless." It isn't, in ways I will try to explain.

First of all, let's look at the act itself. Many suicide attempts are horribly botched. I recently asked an emergency medical technician what was the most unusual call he ever dealt with, and his immediate reply was someone who shot himself in the head with a .45 and survived. Rather than getting rid of his worldly problems, the man made them infinitely worse, not only for himself but many others as well.

Several years ago, I watched a documentary film called The Bridge (2006), which was about the people that jumped from the Golden Gate Bridge over the course of a year; 23 of the 24 (known) suicides from the bridge that year (2004) were recorded. Snuff films and/or anything related to them are far from my bag to say the least, but I felt compelled to watch this documentary, as my only brother killed himself by jumping from a bridge elsewhere. His suicide was semi-botched, because instead of being killed instantly, he bled to death over a period of time; the cause of death was stated as exsanguination from blunt-force trauma. That had the effect of twisting the knife in my mother’s heart and soul several thousand times.

The Bridge was, not surprisingly, very unpleasant viewing to say the least. For those who are squeamish about such things, I highly recommend they don’t watch it for obvious reasons. However, I thought the producers of it did a good job in not only showing and telling the absolute and brutal reality of the suicidal acts themselves, but also the effects that the person’s self-destruction had on their families and friends; yes, rather than being lonely and crazy losers, many of them had family and friends who cared about them and were left in a state of shock, disbelief, and sadness. Why did he/she do that? Why? Why” WHY???

The film also vividly portrayed the often unpredictable ways people go about attempting to end their lives. One man walking on the bridge looked like the usual pedestrian/tourist, yakking on his cell phone and apparently without a care in the world when he abruptly climbed off the bridge and jumped to his death. Another one was the opposite; a man who paced back and forth and climbed up and down the rails before finally making his final decision and down he went, never to return. Some people show signs, and others hide them very well. Several years ago a very talented musician who was married and rising higher and higher in the local scene hanged himself. Nobody knows why; he didn’t show any signs and apparently didn’t tell anybody else in the world what was going on inside his head. Almost needless to say, many people were left stunned and devastated.

When I was in the Army, there were several soldiers in both of the units I was in (2/3 FA and 1/3 ACR) who attempted suicide; all of them failed, and personally I saw them more as cries for help. After one soldier’s failed attempt (he tried to OD on aspirin), the first sergeant made his feelings on the subject crystal-fuckin’-clear: “If you fuckin’ assholes are going to fuckin’ kill yourselves, go downtown and jump off the fuckin’ bridge or go lie down on the fuckin’ train tracks! DON’T FUCKIN’ DO IT IN MY FUCKIN’ BILLETS!!!” The Top, sugar-coating and beating around the bush, as per usual.

The suicide rate among military personnel has historically been somewhat higher than the general civilian population. I actually heard the gunshot from the only successful suicide I knew of. A tanker who I was on guard duty with shot himself in a porta-potty. I was reading a book in the shack between shifts, and he was sitting on his cot with his head down, and his buddy was apparently trying to comfort him about some bad news he got. A short time later, I was on my way to the mess hall when I heard the shot. “What the fuck was that?” It sounded odd, but otherwise I thought nothing of it. Like many men in general and military men in particular, he got the dreaded “Dear John” letter. Relationships gone bad were the cause of every actual or attempted suicide I was aware of while serving.

As jarring as some of the scenes in The Bridge are, it’s not all bad. Several lives were filmed while being saved, and among the people interviewed was one of the rarest ones on Earth; a man who actually survived his jump. He said he regretted jumping the instant he did it; according to him, seals in the bay pushed him back to the surface, and he attributed his survival to divine intervention. There was another survivor, a woman, and as soon as she recovered from her very, very severe injuries, she went back to the bridge and jumped again, this time fatally.

I have somewhat mixed feelings on the subject of suicide. On one hand, it’s their life, and to be honest, if I found out I was terminally ill, chances are good that I’d pull my own plug. I took care of my mother for the last 18 months of her life. It was absolutely horrific, and I wouldn’t want to put anyone through an ordeal even remotely similar. On the other hand, judging from the effects of the suicides I would have to characterize them as the ultimate and absolutely worst act of selfishness. Suicide is painless? BULLSHIT!