BAT BOY SEEKS THE BAT VOTE!
Bats are not allowed to vote. Yet.
But if Bat Boy gets his way, we may soon see a change in the nation’s election policies.
Campaigning in South Carolina this week in advance of the state’s upcoming primary, Bat Boy announced his desire to explore expanding the vote to include bats.
“Fourteen bat species live in the Carolinas,” he said through a translator. “Big Brown Bats, Little Brown Bats, Eastern Red Bats, Evening Bats. The American way demands that we bring them all together, and fairness asks us to look at why they cannot vote.”
Bat Boy’s get-out-the-vote-for-bats drive includes adding additional polling places and changing the design of voting machines so that they are wing-sensitive. He has even launched two slogans for the initiative: “Bat Away Apathy!” and “The Wing Vote Is The Swing Vote!”
IS HE PRE-PANDERING?
Bat Boy’s opponents argue that bats should not be part of the electorate, and that Bat Boy is merely trying to locate more votes. “We’ve seen it before,” said a Democratic strategist. “Candidates go out there and preach fairness when all they’re really trying to do is court a group they think will vote for them. It’s pandering.” “It’s pre-pandering,” said a Republican strategist.
But Bat Boy is thus far undeterred. He held a rally for other bats near Boone’s Cave late Friday, where he pledged to take their concerns all the way to Washington. Speaking without a translator, he was more fiery than usual. “I am speaking even to the Brazilian Free-Tailed Bat, damn it,” he said. “We live in an America that downplays your contributions, damn it! I want to effing up-play them! Effing up-play! Damn it!”
PH.D. APE REVEALS THE TRUTH
Ph.D. Ape, Bat Boy’s campaign manager, urged those either supporting the candidate or considering it to take his remarks in stride. “Campaign trail rhetoric can get heated, no doubt,” he said. “And there is no reason to doubt Bat Boy’s commitment to other bats. But keep in mind: he is also committed to hard-working single moms, to the middle class, to those whose families have been torn apart by opioid addiction, to those who are worried about the way that the ballooning national debt is casting a cloud over the future. Our slogan — Bat Boy Squeaks for Everyone Because He Speaks For Everyone — isn’t just a slogan. It’s the truth just as two plus two is four. Which it is.”
Others are supporting of Bat Boy’s initiative but caution that he should not take the bat vote for granted. “It’s a mistake to see bats as a monolithic voting block,” said Albert J. Millward, a professor of Political Science at Rogers Anson University. “Recent data shows that bats, like any group, make a complex set of decisions regarding their own interests, and that there are significant variations by region, by age, and more.”
WHERE IS BIGFOOT?
The campaign acknowledges Millward’s point, but is intent on pursuing the strategy. “We’re not saying we know how bats will vote,” said Ph.D. Ape. “We’re simply saying that bats should vote.”
Meanwhile, Bigfoot, Bat Boy’s running mate, has been out in the state’s foothills and forests seeking other Bigfeet.
