Easy Rider: A Long Overdue Update

July 14th, 2019 marked the 50th anniversary of the classic counterculture film Easy Rider. A lot has changed in the last 50 years, and from what I see these days, the roles of the anti-heroes and villains in this movie can easily be reversed and inverted to reflect the general stupidity and banality that modern pc-ness and leftism in general have inflicted upon society. I thought I would give it a whirl, and also turn the nihilism level up to 11…on second thought, make that 111:

Wyatt and Billy are two free-spirited and freewheeling venture capitalists who made a huge fortune by a clever investment device that legally and lawfully sucked millions from the Clinton Foundation. After giving a Libertarian-minded attorney who unwittingly helped devise the scheme his cut, they decided on a whim to ride their motorcycles across the country in triumph. After packing up their gear on their high-end bikes, they set out on their journey.

Having trouble with their GPS, the two stop at a pot farm to call tech support, where they have a meal and chat amicably with the farmer. The farm and all its occupants are later obliterated by a freak tornado. Resuming their journey, they pick up Nancy, a crazy hitchhiking prostitute, and give her a ride to where she called home, which was a hippie commune run by Bill Clinton. Nancy blows the guys for their kindness. Before departing, Nancy hands them some Ecstasy, telling them to have it “with Right-wing people.” Bill is beaten to death and tossed into a nearby alligator farm by members of the MS-13 gang he took in, who in addition to pulling the wings from his butterfly collection, using his LP records as frisbees, and microwaving his lava lamps, stole his Prius and wound up wrapping it around a telephone pole while being chased by police, killing them all. The alligators later die of food poisoning. The hippies all die from AIDS and malnutrition.

While going through San Francisco, the pair briefly and impudently ride along with a gay pride parade while trying to pass it, and are arrested and thrown in jail with extreme prejudice because Billy dropped his vaporizer; the spark set off a freak natural gas explosion, which killed everyone in the parade. Locked up with them is Steinkopf, a Swiss transient who is currently suffering from the effects of excessive consumption of Bondola wine and Emmentaler cheese. Taking a liking to Steinkopf, they enjoy his trippy wisdom and guitar playing and invite him to join them, which Steinkopf does with some enthusiasm.

While camping out and getting stoned with Steinkopf, they begin to become somewhat annoyed by his constant anti-Americanisms (“This used to be a good country, until the MICC took it over. All you stupid Americans do is consume, pollute and watch 2.5 Men.”), and re-think their reasons for bringing him along. The next day, the three ride into a small town primarily populated by leftists and limousine liberals. The boys enter a Starbuck’s full of the local gentry who waste no time rolling out the unwelcome wagon:

Trust Fund Slummer - “Look at those motorcycles. Obviously two examples of white privilege heeeeeere.”

PETA Terrorist - “Where’s my spray paint….I know they’re wearing real leather!”

Lumberjack Lesbian - “OMG…MEN!! WHITE MEN!!! GROOOOOSSSSSSSSSSS!!!! Somebody get them outta here!”

White BLM Activist with Dreadlocks – “Oh, look at his motorcycle!!! It’s painted BLACK!!!! Cultural appropriation!!!!

Some of the transgenders and transvestites, however, are intrigued by the strangers and take an interest in them, which pisses the others off to no end.

After receiving no service, the boys ask for it, but are met by a psychotic maniac of a clerk/dishwasher named Bernie who refuses to serve them, has an apoplectic meltdown, starts foaming at the mouth, and screams at them at the top of his lungs to leave. The boys finally have enough and depart, but not before getting more attention from the other townfolk, who have no intention of letting them go unmolested.

Camping just outside of the town, they are attacked in the wee hours of the morning by a gang of antifas, dildo-wielding militant lesbians, and #metoo’s, who scream at them for being capitalist, fascist, racist, sexist, homophobic, anti-Semitic, anti-KY pigs. Wyatt and Billy, packing legal assault weapons, shoot them all dead. While they got a little scuffed-up, Steinkopf was killed by a stray bullet and one of the lesbian’s dildos. They “bury” him at yet another conveniently-located alligator pit. The entire town is swallowed by a gigantic sinkhole, killing everybody.

Wyatt and Billy finally make it to Sturgis, where they drop the Ecstasy that Nancy gave them and have a 24-hour sex marathon with two prostitutes named Maxine and Sheila. The girls were mildly offended when the boys demanded a “pecker check”, but they insisted that you can never be too careful these days. The next day, while riding down a narrow country road, a particularly stupid woman named Ilhan runs Billy off the road with her Prius. While Wyatt was looking after Billy, another idiotic Prius driver named Barack also crashes into them, killing them all in a huge explosion.

THE END