Colonel Flagg: The Best M*A*S*H Character

One time while in the Army I was waiting in the orderly room to talk to the First Sergeant ("Top" or "Topkick", the second-highest enlisted rank and the senior Non-Commissioned Officer in most battery/company/troop-sized units in the U.S. Army) about something that I wasn't in trouble for, for once. Top was dealing with someone else (who was in trouble) and while waiting I blankly looked around. A particularly asinine and moronic buck sergeant (For those familiar with M*A*S*H, think of a black Frank Burns) who was the Charge of Quarters ("CQ") suddenly walked in and demanded to know what I was doing there. After telling him facetiously that I was on an intelligence-gathering mission, he replied "Well, there's no intelligence here." No fuckin' shit, Sherlock. I cracked up because Colonel Flagg sprang to mind.

                                 

Apparently the creation of veteran writer Laurence Marks, Colonel Sam Flagg is my favorite M*A*S*H character by far. When I was a kid in the 70’s, there was an older teenager who was very Flagg-like in his behavior. He would say Flagg-like things such as “Just because I’m fuckin’ dumb doesn’t mean I’m fuckin’ stupid” and my favorite one of them all, “Watch your fuckin’ language, you little fuckin’ asshole motherfucker!” Like Flagg, this dude was psychotically tough in tragicomic ways; for example, he survived a crash with a broken arm and some other superficial injuries after his jeep went off a cliff and rolled a few dozen times before crashing deep into a ravine, killing his dog and putting another dude in the ICU for about a month.

Portrayed by American actor Edward Winter (1937-2001) in what has to be among the best casting choices in television history, Flagg was comically colorful in red, white, black and blue ways to say the least. Although a hard-nosed CID (Criminal Investigation Division, essentially an Army detective) officer played by Winter named Captain Halloran first appears in the second season episode “Deal Me Out”, Colonel Flagg makes his insane introduction as a CIA man in the final episode of the second season called “A Smattering of Intelligence.” From this point in the series on, Colonel Flagg is unfurled and never fails to deliver the hyper-jingoistic, sado-masochistic, paranoid-psychotic CIA and Military Intelligence goods. It’s a shame he wasn’t in more episodes. Anyway, I thought I’d put together a compendium of my favorite Flagg lines:

“Deal Me Out”, 12/8/73 – Winters makes his first appearance on the series (briefly) as Captain Halloran, supposedly a CID officer and one of many interruptions to the poker game going on.

HALLORAN: It’s a rough situation Major. This man’s head’s full of intelligence.

BURNS: That’s not my department sir. Intelligence is something I try to avoid.”

HALLORAN: [Gives Burns a harsh look] I can see that, yes.

“A Smattering of Intelligence”, 3/2/74 – The first true Colonel Flagg episode. Flagg and another zany intelligence officer spend more time fighting each other than the enemy in pursuit of more funding from Congress.

FLAGG: Colonel, I want to talk to you in private, without the corporal.
BLAKE: Oh, you can say anything you want in front of him.
FLAGG: Okay, I will. [Turns and looks at Radar] Get out.

FLAGG: Colonel, I'm authorized to kill...without requesting permission from my superiors.
BLAKE: Oh. Well, I imagine that cuts down on the old paperwork.
FLAGG: You'll never know what hit you. Your toothbrush could go off in your mouth. You could find a tarantula in your shorts. We could booby-trap a nurse.

FLAGG: How'd you like a nose full of nickels?
RADAR: Not a whole lot, sir.
FLAGG: Do you like the jukebox, son?

RADAR: Oh, yes, sir.
FLAGG: Well, if you don't get lost, I'm gonna put your head through the glass and pull it out through the coin return.

“Officer of the Day”, 9/24/74 – Flagg has a wounded prisoner he has special plans for.

FLAGG: That's my prisoner. Where he goes, I go. You read me?

HAWKEYE: Like a cheap novel.

FLAGG: Just stitch him up. I want him put together and put together fast.

TRAPPER: Your concern is touching.

FLAGG: I have to get to Seoul so we can execute him over the weekend.

HAWKEYE: Save the kid's life so you can take it away from him?

FLAGG: You got it.

FLAGG: A dozen medical units, I have to pull into a funny farm.

“White Gold”, 3/11/75 – Flagg proves he’s more dangerous than the enemy again in a quest for penicillin.

FLAGG: Don't cross me, Colonel. We know where your family lives.
BLAKE: Hey. I'm an American too, fella.
RADAR: Yeah!
FLAGG: Quiet, or I'll use you to clean a cannon.
RADAR: Yes, sir.

HAWKEYE: Remember the last time you were here, when you broke your own arm?
TRAPPER: And you rigged that jeep so you could run over yourself.
[Both Laughing]
HAWKEYE: You're gonna kill yourself.
FLAGG: If I have to.
TRAPPER: Hey, that's the spirit.
HAWKEYE: If we had more men like you, we'd have less men like you.
FLAGG: My orders are to do whatever I have to...to break up this penicillin ring. I have written permission to die in the attempt.
HAWKEYE: Good luck.

FLAGG: You can knock off, Major. I'll guard the prisoner.

BURNS: But my orders...

FLAGG: The CIA can supersede anyone's orders.
BURNS: Except the president's, of course.
FLAGG: Give us time.

“Quo Vadis, Captain Chandler?”, 11/7/75 – Flagg is called in to fix a broken war machine. The first Flagg episode with Potter and Hunicutt.

HOT LIPS: You're some guy, Colonel Flagg.

FLAGG: Yes, I am. It's not necessary for me to tell you we appreciate your contacting us. We're not in the gratitude business. It's the duty of every real American...to be on the lookout for goldbricks, pinkos and fellow travelers. Of course, without the likes of Americans like you...the jobs of Americans like me would be a lot more difficult. But don't get me wrong, Americans like me like difficult jobs. So don't get the idea you're doing the CIA any favors. We don't really need Americans like you. We don't need anybody.

FLAGG: Major Freedman.
FREEDMAN: Yeah?

FLAGG: Colonel Flagg. We played poker once.
FREEDMAN: Oh, sure. With Intelligence, right?
FLAGG: I have nothing to do with Intelligence.
FREEDMAN: Better... you won't get worry lines.

FLAGG: The next time I see you, Tinker Bell, you'd better be in uniform and as G.I. As General MacArthur... you hear me?

KLINGER: Loud and clear, Mary.

“The Abduction of Margaret Houlihan”, 10/26/76 – This is in my opinion the best Flagg episode. Hot Lips mysteriously disappears and Flagg is called in to find her.

FLAGG: Okay, pipsqueak, what tipped you off?
RADAR: Uh, well, you don't look anything like you, sir. And since you're a master of disguises, I figured you're the only one who couldn't look like you that much.
FLAGG: I'll buy that...for now. But if you ever cross me up, you're gonna get a Number Eight.
RADAR: What's that?
FLAGG: Have you ever heard of the Malaysian chest implosion torture?
RADAR: No, sir.
FLAGG: Good, 'cause there's no such thing…yet.
RADAR: Right.

POTTER: With you in a minute, Flagg. Nice suit. Your clown outfit in the cleaners?
FLAGG: Don't try to be funny with me, Colonel. I've trained myself not to laugh or smile.
POTTER: Really?
FLAGG: Watched a hundred hours of The Three Stooges. Every time I felt like smiling, I jabbed myself in the stomach with a cattle prod.
POTTER: That ought to do it.


FLAGG: I'm gonna change and poke around a bit.
POTTER: Pardon me for asking, Colonel, but why are you dressed like an Italian usher?
FLAGG: Can you keep a secret?
POTTER: I think so.
FLAGG: I'm disguised as Ling Chow, Chinese double agent.
POTTER: Funny, you don't look Chinese.
FLAGG: Neither would Ling Chow if he were dressed like this. Follow me?
POTTER: As far as I'd like to.
FLAGG: Well, I'm off.
POTTER: I couldn't have said it better myself.

FLAGG: Where's Houlihan!?!
BJ: I think it's near Dublin.
FLAGG: That's insubordination. You do that to me one more time, and I'm entitled to…[reads notebook]…bite off your left ear. Just food for thought.
HAWKEYE: He's not bluffing. He got van Gogh.

FLAGG: I'm not drinking. It just looks like I'm drinking.
BJ: You had me fooled.
FLAGG: Two years ago in Morocco, I had a device surgically implanted in my throat that neutralizes alcohol. That way, the enemy can never get me drunk.

HAWKEYE: I find that hard to swallow.
BURNS: I heard they do that to get the truth out of you.
FLAGG: Nobody can get the truth out of me because even I don't know what it is. I keep myself in a constant state of utter confusion.
HAWKEYE: That's the best way to keep things organized.

FLAGG: Alert the navy for offshore artillery. I want a squadron of copters for air-to-ground search, and, uh, round up a box of scorpions. About a dozen.

RADAR: You mean, uh,you know, scorpions...scorpions?
FLAGG: Big ones.
HAWKEYE: What the hell are you gonna do with a box of scorpions?
FLAGG: It's personal. Gift for a friend. That's it. Get moving. Corporal! If you can't
find scorpions...get two snakes and a rat.
RADAR: And a rat. Right.


POTTER: You want to call out the entire315th Air Division? That's gonna make a lot of noise.

HAWKEYE: Why stop there? Why don't we just drop an atomic bomb?
FLAGG: Hey, don't try to make friends with me.

BURNS: Oh, go on ahead, you two bleeding hearts. Colonel Flagg and I don't need you [Puts his arms around Flagg, who looks up with contempt].
FLAGG: My father touched me like that once. To this day, he still has to wear orthopedic shirts.

“Rally ‘Round the Flagg, Boys”, 2/12/79 – Flagg’s final appearance. Convinced Hawkeye is a communist, Flagg tries to get Winchester to spy on him. The only Flagg episode with Winchester.

FLAGG: Let's talk about your camp, Potter. And don't play dumb. You're not as good at it as I am.
POTTER: What is it this time, Flagg? Fluoride in the soup?
MULCAHY: I think I'd better leave.

FLAGG: Freeze, Mr. Vatican. Nobody goes till I do, and I never do. Potter, you've got a wounded North Korean officer here, and, as usual, you failed to report it.
POTTER: Oh, no, no. We did report it.
FLAGG: You mean I worked over my informant just for the fun of it?

FLAGG: Pierce!
HAWKEYE: [Startled] Huh?
FLAGG: I'm gonna give you a chance. Why did you do it?
HAWKEYE: Oh, I don't know. Why does anybody do it?

FLAGG: Now you've done it.
HAWKEYE: Well, you'll have to clean it up. I'm in a hurry.
FLAGG: I've got you dead to rights, Ivan. You saved that Commie crumb-bum. Why?

HAWKEYE: Well, it was something to do. Besides, he was dying.
FLAGG: I'm on to you, Pierce. Now you took a yellow Red before a white American, which is pretty pinko.
HAWKEYE: You're even boring in Technicolor.
FLAGG: You're a Communist dupe! I've waited a long time for this. You're mine! Your butt is in my sling!
HAWKEYE: All right. Take me, I'm yours.
FLAGG: I knew it! You're one of those, too.

FLAGG: Don't kid with me. I have no sense of humor.
WINCHESTER: You could've fooled me.
FLAGG: Pierce is the rottenest apple in this sleazy barrel. I've always thought he was a Communist sympathizer and this business with the North Korean proves that he's a Comm-symp or worse. Problem is I don't have the proof. You're his bunky. Get it.
WINCHESTER: For a man with no sense of humor, you are awfully funny.