THE JACKAL-BIDEN INTERVIEW OF 14 AUGUST 2020
14 AUGUST 2020 (AP) The following is an unedited transcript of of Landing Spot correspondent Wolf Jackal's latest in-depth interview with presidential candidate Joseph Biden, conducted this afternoon in his basement.
JACKAL: “Good afternoon, Mr. Biden.”
BIDEN: (His head to the side, slack jawed, staring into space) “Who?”
JACKAL: “That’s you!”
BIDEN: “It is? Why are you in my basement, and who the hell are you? You know – why am I in my basement?”
JACKAL: “I have no idea why you have cocooned yourself in here either. I’m Wolf Jackal, and we scheduled this interview last week, sir.”
BIDEN: “We did? Why are you talking about butterflies – hey – do spiders make cocoons?”
JACKAL: (Exasperated) “For their eggs, yes - I’m not talking about spiders or butterflies, we are supposed to be talking about your candidacy.”
BIDEN: “That show with Allen Funt? Oh yeah, you’re that Wiley Coyote guy – I love the Twilight Zone – or is that Bugs Bunny?”
JACKAL: “Neither, that was the Roadrunner Show – I am Wolf Jackal of the AP News Service.”
BIDEN: “Yeah – I had a friend with an old Plymouth – or was it a Dodge? They had tail fins then and it had a maw like a shark! Really he did, it was red. You know, they’ve got me on these melatonin uptake contributors Fox, so I’ll stay sane, but I’m kinda worried that the melanin in those pills could mutate me into some sort of jungle bunny or something. Is my hair getting kinky yet? Hey – Dodge is a funny word, isn’t it?”
JACKAL: “What are you saying to me man?”
BIDEN: “I just said that I’m afraid I’m going to turn into a goddamn jungle bunny – even I can remember that – are you senile too?”
JACKAL: “Not at all - but what in hell does that have to do with the presidency, or old red Plymouths with tail fins for that matter? Look Joe, I think you are confusing serotonin with melanin, and with melatonin – they are three different things, Mr. Biden. They probably have you on Paxil, which is a serotonin reuptake inhibitor, not a ‘melatonin uptake contributor’ – Christ – you seem even more deranged than the last time I interviewed you.”
BIDEN: (Clearly confused) “Who’s Joe? I’ve never met the man in my life! (Finally comprehending) Oh yeah, that’s me – well, you’re not the guy who’s turning into a fuckin’ Watermelon Man – I am!”
JACKAL: “Mr. Biden, you are not turning into a Negro, and I think we should get to the matter at hand – your choice of the vice-president.”
BIDEN: “You’re asking me something like that when I could be sitting here turning into a damn jigaboo? You heartless bastard – why don’t they send someone like Cronkite here to interview me!”
JACKAL: “Probably because Walter Cronkite retired 39 years ago, and he died in 2009.”
BIDEN: “Uh, he did?”
JACKAL: “Uh, yes, Mr. Biden, it’s my job today to interview you; some people were speculating that you would pick Michelle Obama as your running mate, and you picked Kamala Harris instead.”
BIDEN: “Yeah I did, Kamala smells like French Fries and I like her legs. So, what the hell would I pick him for – oops – I mean – her, you know, Michael – Barack’s husband?”
JACKAL: “Well, name recognition for one, and the former First Lady has quite a following among the African-American community”.
BIDEN: “Yeah, and she looks like a fuckin’ linebacker – do you remember Too Tall Jones?”
JACKAL: “Yes, I remember him, he played for – ”
BIDEN: “The Dallas Cowboys – I met Roger Staubach a few times – he was a big son of a bitch too – hang on – ” (Biden leaned to one side and farted loudly) “You know, every time you come here, I get gas.”
JACKAL: “I’ve noticed.” (Reporter quickly lit a cigarette)
BIDEN: “You know – Barack and I smoked crack in the Oval Office – fuck – perhaps I shouldn’t have said that.”
JACKAL: So what, JFK smoked pot with Jackie in the Oval Office, and Bill Clinton was sucked off there – tell me more.”
BIDEN: (Appearing nervous) “Maybe we should talk about me turning into a coon.”
JACKAL: (Smirking) “If you are so worried about it, why are you taking the damn drugs?”
BIDEN: “Because they say it will help me when I debate George Bush later this month, but by then I’ll be an N-word.”
JACKAL: “You mean a nigger?”
BIDEN: “Yep, that’s the word! I reckon I’ll be blacker than the Ace of Spades by then, with an Afro this wide (gesticulating with his hands) and I’ll be able to call George a racist motherfucker if he says something I don’t like.”
JACKAL: “The man you will be debating is Donald Trump.”
BIDEN: “Yeah, I know that, but his other name is George – I’ll beat that dog-faced pony soldier with my rope-a-dope – speaking of dope, I think I need another pill! That’s what Muhammad Farralkoon used to knock out that baldheaded dude who sells those hamburger grills – you know – he named all of his kids the same name – that’s weird, isn’t it?”
JACKAL: (Clearly disgusted) “What is?”
BIDEN: “You know – the thing.”
JACKAL: “Yeah, the thing, anyway, is it safe to say that you have decided as to your VP pick?” (Biden was staring blankly into space again, his jaw agape) “Hey, wake the hell up you crazy old coot!” (Reporter snapped fingers in Biden’s face)
BIDEN: “Huh – I was just thinking.”
JACKAL: “About what?”
BIDEN: “I don’t know, I forgot.”
JACKAL: “You seem to do that a lot lately.”
BIDEN: “Do what?”
JACKAL: “Forget it!”
BIDEN: (Saluting) “Yes sir, I already have!”
(END OF INTERVIEW)
Reporter’s note: Mr. Biden is growing increasingly unstable; his thoughts and responses are disjointed. He appears incoherent and is unable to hold a conversational thread of thought. He seems to respond as if we were conducting a word association game, rather than an interview. Further discussions with him are probably pointless due to his obvious dementia, but I will continue in my attempt to get some sort of rational response from this seemingly deranged clod.
