LADIES AND GENTLEMEN: A MESSAGE FROM THE "PRESIDENT" OF THE UNITED STATES!

By -

A message from your "president" - brought to you by Geritol!


We're on, right?

Goddamnit, I can't see that fuckin' thing with the words on it! That's better - shit - I've never seen that word before - Afrikazan? Afgrekazan? Are we going to talk about jungle bunnies or a war?

Oh! Afghanistan! I got it - okay, let's go. I think they have Chinamen in uh - whatever it is - or is it those little black pygmy guys with those darts? They call them nigguritos, I think, I read that somewhere.

Well, let's see... my fellow Armen - Amkur - Amerins, oh god damnit - Americans, our mission to flee uh Afkk - fuck it - that country is going on as planned. That's the place with those hippie dogs with the long hair, and they grow bananas there - they have the Tallyman who counts 'em after they're picked. They look for tarantulas in the bananas too, 'cause they live there. He's taking over since we've left and promised to send us - whatever I said earlier. 

I think they have a Mexican wop lady named Carmen Electra there too who wears fruit on her head - bananas are fruits, right? She plays a piano or maybe an accordion - or was that Dinah Shore? She had a TV show with Merv Griffin - and he has some hippie dogs who - uh... never mind. There's a guy named Harry Truman and he played the piano too - he was the head Mason, I think or maybe he's the Pope. He had some broad with great legs sit on his piano while he played it, her name was Lee or something and she was famous for fucking Sam Spade - right? She did it when the nazis were in Morocco.

You know, come to think of it, I've always liked dinosaurs - they had one on the Flintstones named Dino, I think. He was purple, I never know they had purple dinosaurs until then! I guess you learn something new every day! Trump's kids killed off all the dinosaurs in Africa, that's where they live you know. Barney Rubble was purple too and he was Fred's friend! He drove a car made of rock! Other cars were made of logs then - millions of trees died so Bedrock could have cars! Beds made of rock would be damn hard to sleep on, I'll bet! I use a Serta, so does Susan Anton. I'd fuck her but she'd probably call the cops!

Okay - is that a good speech? Where's Jill or is it Jack - I need her to tell me what to think now. It's really hard thinking - my brain hurts - can I have some ice cream?

Please?





Popular posts from this blog

The Bridge: Suicide Isn't Painless

By -
Image
The theme song to the 1970 movie MASH is called "Suicide is Painless." It isn't, in ways I will try to explain. First of all, let's look at the act itself. Many suicide attempts are horribly botched. I recently asked an emergency medical technician what was the most unusual call he ever dealt with, and his immediate reply was someone who shot himself in the head with a .45 and survived. Rather than getting rid of his worldly problems, the man made them infinitely worse, not only for himself but many others as well. Several years ago, I watched a documentary film called The Bridge (2006) , which was about the people that jumped from the Golden Gate Bridge over the course of a year; 23 of the 24 (known) suicides from the bridge that year (2004) were recorded. Snuff films and/or anything related to them are far from my bag to say the least, but I felt compelled to watch this documentary, as my only brother killed himself by jumping from a bridge elsewhere...
Read more